Utter nutters.

It has boggled my mind over the past 6 years how very many utter nutters are out there that pretend to be rich.

When I say ‘pretend’ I don’t mean by impressively ordering a fiscally irresponsible bottle of wine over lunch or hiring a fancy car for the day driving around like you own it or carrying a fake Hermes alluding to you having a rich Dad.  

I mean literally lie.

I have met multiple people who have created a whole life story to convince me they have extraordinary wealth and they have taken that story right to the bitter end.

Working in property, selling large and expensive apartments for the past 6 years in a well-known and iconic building, has opened my eyes to the sheer quantity of Delusional Behaviour being exhibited in this City.

And the thing is, I have worked with wealthy people long enough that I can smell a rat a mile off and my face can’t not but give away that I am completely aware that you are wasting my time.

I have had to endure conversations about the difficulties of choosing fixtures and finishes for TWO super yachts she tells me are both on order (because no one just has one super-yacht now), and being asked:

Ms F: “Do you have any idea how many toilets there are? 12! 12 toilets! In each SUPER YACHT”

Me: “Well what do you know, yes, that’s a lot of toilets.”

I know full well this person is a fraud. There is no money. There is certainly no money coming from her purported billion-dollar app that will help me talk to my dog. Phase two roll out; talking to my horse. I am not joking; I only regret that I don’t own a horse to take advantage of this incredible technology.

The idea that I can be convinced that this wealth is real, you can’t use a tv remote but you’ve built an app?

Ms F has gone so far as to employ security, she has a man sitting in the lobby of the most secure building in the city for her own personal security. This is the level of delusion. That poor man must be bored out of his mind! I also hear that she has recently employed a private chef but coincidentally she doesn’t have a dining table. Another woman in the property industry tells me incredulously that she was invited to the apartment she is renting in my building for a celebratory lunch because she is buying the penthouse in my building (which she isn’t) and they ate their private chef cooked meals sitting on lounge chairs with side tables to put their plates on. You can’t buy class.

Master H comes in last week carrying a Gucci shopping bag that’s bigger than he is. I ask if he would like us to store that for him rather than walk around with it. He obliges and I peek in. It’s random crap. It’s not tissue paper wrapped Gucci goods, there’s no dust bags with Gucci logos on, he’s literally nicked an extra, extra-large shopping bag from Gucci in an effort to convince me has money.

I ask where Master H is living currently:

Master H: “inaudible mumbling”

Me: “Pardon?”

Master H: “Manhattan”

Manhattan? No one says they live in Manhattan. Unless you are literally standing in New York, you say you live in New York.

Then he tells me that his ‘lawyerS’ and ‘accountantS’ are flying out in the next 48 hours to assist with the transaction.

Me: “From where? I really do think if you are buying in this country, you should get local advice and frankly one of each will do the trick just fine”

Mr H: completely ignores what I said and follows with “You will be hearing from me in the next 24hours to make an offer to purchase this apartment”

As it happens, I haven’t heard from him.

Ms K has said she has sent the appropriate forms across to purchase two very expensive apartments and has offered well in excess of the asking prices. Such generosity, of course, nobody loves a deal, especially not the super-rich. But so unfortunate, she has such poor email service as the forms have never arrived despite multiple apparent resends over a period of 6-months or so.  Ms K has also transferred the funds but they will be delayed as they are coming from overseas.

If I had a dollar for every person who told me that their funds were ‘coming from overseas’ I would be richer than these people all combined.

One gentleman asked me how reinforced the floor was in the Penthouse as he had so much gold bullion, he wanted to create a sculpture out of it in the middle of the apartment floor.

These conversations go on for months. Not a one-off communication but months, in two cases 18 months, of pretence on a transaction that will never, ever happen.

It continues to boggle my mind as to how this is in any way satisfying for these people? What is the intended ultimate outcome here? Of course, we will never hand over keys without funds and so therefore at some point it all has to end. Is the relatively short-term delusion of incredible wealth when talking to an estate agent really that satisfying from your average home in an average suburb? Aren’t you just further disappointed with your lot when you get off the phone or hit send on that email and look around?

A sample of the one-way communication I continue to receive from a gentleman via the ‘contact us’ form on my employers website and text messages from a payphone:

The Bridge of Friendship. Berring Strait bridge. Build my bridge. Berring Strait bridge.

Someone really must check with Admiralty and Maersk Shipping about the Operation Black Tulip Baltimore bridge.

Operation Black Tulip is a farming agreement.

Make sure to update Nigel the Crisis Courier Operator in Sydney about Black Tulip. Thank you.

UNDER REVIEW. Shopping Centre Chadstone Shopping Centre Acquisition.

I don’t know who is going to live at 72 Brown Street. I don’t even know. Maybe that is best to put that together with a Shopping Centre Agreement.

I don’t know who is going to live in these houses. I don’t even know. It’s really not up to me. Depends. Negotiable. Maybe I go to America.

Getting ready for now immediate departure. Not sure where I am going consider Sydney. Detours at any given moment. Dream Holiday. Please make sure both my suitcase are prepared for departure. Thank you very much. Wishing you well.

Be right back. Thank you. Not sure what I’m doing. I really don’t know. Don’t go anywhere.

Negotiable. Depends who the guest is. The occupant is yet to be announced. Should be smooth sailing.

Bob Woodward knows that’s scandalous.

What I heard was President Ferdinand Marcos created Operation Black Tulip on his birthday September 11 and Black Eagle Trust Fund was made during the Bretton Woods Agreement.

I think I am going to Sydney now. Maybe.

I look forward to the day my details are offline.

Poor bloke.