Three strikes and I’m out.
It had been three years – it was time.
Mr S, (see: These donuts are now redundant), lasts 3 months – it was an introduction through a mutual friend – it was a miserable fail, but I ended it as soon as the wheels fell off. I felt some reprieve from my self-loathing for that at least.
I had a coffee date with an introduction from my PT, another client of his. Seriously, you don’t turn up to an 11am coffee date admitting to a hangover, wearing blue shorts (in July), with a black (p)leather jacket and tell me you were at Republic Bar last night. You’re in your 50’s, that place is a pick-up joint for millennials… and sleezy old men trying to pick up a millennial.
The final nail was when he told me that my review on my own parking, slightly off-kilter, said more about me than the previous hours’ conversation.
Mr P: “Clearly, you have control issues”
Me: “Goodbye”
And then there’s the Wine Guy. Also 3 months. He made wine on a substantial scale and lived out in the countryside 4 hours away. It was the perfect arrangement for me. He travels internationally, he was funny, if a bit quirky.
Wine Guy only ever purchased and wore one brand of Swedish trainers. When the one ‘good’ pair got to a point of well-worn he ordered another pair for ‘best’ and the original pair got demoted to work trainers and when the now work trainers approached near total collapse, they got demoted to gardening shoes; and so on the train went until I assume there was a case of total collapse and then they were disposed of. In 3 months though I wasn’t able to witness the full Swedish trainer life cycle.
Heeding my brother’s well justified concerns, he was Australian rather than English like Mr Redundant Donut and my previous two husbands.
I thought we had a nice arrangement of texting and catching up when he was in the city, but despite my not asking for or even hinting at needing more than that, he made some bold assumptions on my behalf that of course inevitably I would want more. It was a mind-boggling assumption that came from nowhere and despite my jaw confusedly sitting on the floor he kept on doubling down on his theory. It was quite, quite strange.
We stayed in touch for a bit after the dust settled from his sudden mind reading skills, quite confoundedly he thought his mansplaining to me on how I WILL feel in the future conversation went well. I think that might have been the last contact we had.
It’s a shame, he was fun, he lived 4 hours away and he made wine – WINE!
