Ice breaker.

He was probably Asexual. Not gay. But I’ve found saying I married a gay guy at 19 is a much better story.

No one wants to be humorously self-depreciating about the first of their two failed marriages with an explanation on what the sexual preferences, or lack thereof, of an ‘asexual’ are.

Me: “Me? Oh, I live in Balmain with my dog”

Me: “Not anymore, I tried it twice and it didn’t work out”

Me: “Yes, I was very young the first time”

Me: “He was gay”

Random Person: ‘Gay??’

Random Person: ‘Where is he now?’

Me: ‘Married with 1 child and has taken up photography… of animals, dogs mainly it seems, strange because he was always a cat guy.’

The story must remain light hearted and superficial.

Imagine telling someone you married a gay guy at 19 because your mum told you to.

I keep the finer details to myself for ego’s sake. Far better to look like a reckless teen than a woman possibly still dealing with the baggage of a complicated upbringing.

He was nice. He was considerate, even offering that I might wish to have an affair. But something is lost deep inside when you are told that someone you have just married feels the only possible reason for his lack of conjugal interest is that he just isn’t sexually attracted to you. It has a certain kind of sting to a girl of 19. A life-altering sting.

And mothers, they are exceedingly complex and even more so with a good dose of religion.

I might mention the psychosexual counselling as a passing reference to what can be done in these situations prior to conceding to a divorce. I mention it for comedy value. Normal people either have no idea such a thing exists and/or think it’s a wonderful idea to be told to have sex, cuddle more, touching exercises, sex-homework; what fun!

The reality is not so fun. Humiliation is more fitting. Your husband learning new rules so you can partake in step by step, rules-based sex. How very spontaneously loving.

I also don’t mention the crying. Crying, crying, crying. Every week I cried for 5 years. Every week he would say he would try. Crying and trying. 5 years.

Random Person: “So, what happened to husband no. 2?’

This one is still a bit raw. I tend to just say ‘he was an arsehole’. That typically covers it off. Soon I hope to get to a point where a humorous, light-hearted anecdote will roll off my tongue

Me: ‘He ran off with another woman and her two children – what an idiot!’

But the self-deprecating comedic version of this story is not quite as well-crafted yet.